Bishoujo Senshi Revolution!
by Soviet Inclination
Summary: Reposted from WAY back, because I don't think anyone's read it. Anyway, a sort of original piece with Sailor Moon basis, somewhat lovingly irreverent is how I'd put it. Odd pop culture references abound. Talking cats and sailor fuku. Badly dubbed ninjas.


**Bishoujo Senshi Revolution!**

**a story by Soviet Inclination (Robotech6025@juno.com)__**

#

            ***insert "No Fkuicgn" by Nomeanso here!***

            Upon seeing the poster, Celes Chere literally squealed with joy.

            ALICE DONUT: DONUT COMES ALIVE, AGAIN!! The poster exclaimed. A picture on it showed the members of this five-person, little-known over-the-edge freak rock/pop band. Tickets were to be only $6 (U.S. dollars, you schmuck). The date for the concert in this town was this Friday.

            Celes, making sure that nobody was looking at the window in this particular chain-and-mall music store, swiftly grabbed the poster, and faster than your could say "cliché," neatly folded it in a square, stuffed in her larger pant pocket, and ran out of the mall.

#

            ***insert the "Legend of Zelda Theme" by Koji Kondo here!***

            Fujitsubo Kurata was in her room, as usual when she finished her arduous task of completing useless high school homework, hunched over the controls of a certain video game console. Today, she was wearing her girly Japanese high school girls' uniform, something that, no matter how old you were when you wore it, seemed to make you look about fifteen or sixteen years old. Go figure. Her long, night-black hair was tied back, held in place by a pair of chopsticks.

            The door burst open and slammed shut behind the sudden visitor. The loud noise, plus the shout of her name from the visitor ("Fuji!!!!!!!!!!"), caused Fujitsubo to drop the video game controller and fall backwards. From her sprawled-out position on the floor, she could see her longtime best friend Celes Chere in front of the door. Today, she was wearing her much-faded Nomeansno T-shirt and a pair of severely torn jeans that had definitely seen better days. Her shoulder-length red hair was done up in a ponytail. She was pulling a folded piece of paper from her pocket.

            "Damnit, Celes! You made me fuck up again!" came Fujitsubo's whine. She was the kind of person who would blame anything, even a nonexistent, sentient particle of dust that landed on the earth several million miles away, on her messing up her game.

            Celes simply grinned impishly at her, unfolding the large piece of paper from her pocket. It turned out to be a poster, and as Celes unfolded it and held it in front of her, Fujitsubo realized why she had burst into her room so unexpectedly.

            "Celes! Is this true?!"

            Celes nodded clearly excited. "Yup! I got this off the mall music store! Lucky that I passed by there today, eh?"

            Fujitsubo momentarily forgot the exploits of Link trying to rescue Princess Zelda on her TV. "No shit? We're definitely gonna be there! I can't believe that the concert's only in two days..."

            Celes sat on her friend's bed. "So here's the plan: we get the tickets tomorrow after school, and then Friday, we act like we're going to school..."

            "...and we skip! Fuckin' A!" finished Fujitsubo. "Oi, we've gotta celebrate! Stay with me while I try to finish this game, I'll convince my mom to make us shabu-shabu, and then we can watch, for only the millionth time..."

            "...Ninja Death 1!!!' the two of them exclaimed in unison.

# 

            Several hours later...

            Fujitsubo and Celes, along with Fujitsubo's cat, Tsuki-chan, after eating a dinner of that great stew-type dish (the cat ate it too), were both passed out in front of the living room TV, the tape of the all-time-greatest-worst-martial-arts movie, Ninja Death 1, running in the VCR. Disregarding the fact that its three viewers were fast asleep, sprawled out on the couch, it played on dutifully.

            Unknown to the rest of the world, the source of Fujitsubo's constant Zelda losses, a sentient speck of stellar dust, DID in fact, exist. It was hovering through the earth's atmosphere right now, shielded from the burning effects of entry. By what had to be sheer luck (which it probably was), the sentient speck of dust managed to float down through the chimney of Fujitsubo's house and, after some damn good maneuvering, landed on the VCR, which was playing the Ninja Death 1 tape. 

            ***insert "Would We Be Alive?" by Nomeansno here!***

            The TV screen flashed a bright color, its sleeping viewers oblivious of the change going on. Again, by what had to be sheer luck (which it DEFINITELY was), the tape happened to be playing the scene where the movie trilogy's main badass master villain, named Old Gold by Fujitsubo and Celes due to the shiny gold bodysuit and red cloak that he wore, is shown for the first time. The scene included a part where he shows up from behind a wall via an exploding cloud of red dust, which tried but failed to hide a revolving part of the wall. However, this scene was all but unseeable due to the flashing effect of the sentient particle of stellar dust's landing on the VCR.

            Suddenly, a hand appeared from the TV screen. An arm followed, swathed in shiny gold clothing. Eventually, a whole human form emerged, garbed in identical shiny gold clothing and red cloak.

            Old Gold looked around the area of his new surroundings. He grinned and uttered one of the worst English-dubbed laughs the world has heard since the dubbing of the popular Japanese animated movie Macross: Do You Remember Love? (An awesome movie, but released in the States in a severely edited, badly dubbed format).

            "Woahaohaohaoahhhooooaa! After eighteen years, I have finally become the Grand Master!" Old Gold swung his arms akimbo, impressed by the sheer power flowing through him, dutifully following the movie script that he, the character, had been created in many years ago in some random place in Southeast Asia. "And it's all thanks to--"

            Here, Old Gold cut off his sentence for the first time since the conceiving of the film in which he, the character, starred in. The surroundings were not his familiar subterranean, Chinese-countryside base, but some utterly alien-looking room. And the people he was supposed to be expressing thanks to, the ninja spies Fujiko and Sakura, were replaced by a familiar looking Asian girl and an unfamiliar looking light-skinned girl, both wearing clothes beyond the likes he has ever seen. Was this the early twentieth century he was in, according to the film's timeline?

            Old Gold pondered this for a moment, and then laughed out loud again in that badly English-dubbed laugh.

            "Woahahaha! Well, it looks like my role has changed! The fault of it belongs to these...these two girls." The Grand Master stroked his long, gray beard that was the trademark of old martial arts masters in all Hong Kong/Asian martial arts movies (at least the old ones).

            "Very well! Destruction, follow in my wake! I shall make my way back to my land if I have to tear up all of this one!" Old Gold looked once more upon the two sleeping teenage girls. "You two... Fujitsubo and Celes, prepare to meet your eventual doom!"

            And with that, the Grand Master vanished into the night via an exploding cloud of red dust, his badly-dubbed laugh echoing throughout the living room, unheard by the two sleeping girls, who had their dreams directed elsewhere. How Old Gold knew the names of these two girls was a mystery (actually, there is no explanation for it).

            Tsuki-chan the cat uttered a soft meow in his sleep, dreaming of mice and bowls of milk.

#

            The next day...

            Fujitsubo and Celes walked out of the supermarket, both decked out in new, identical attire consisting of different Dead Kennedys T-shirts and similar tattered, patch-encrusted pants sporting the names of different indie bands: Bad Brains, Man is the Bastard, Zeni Geva, Fishbone, Circle Jerks, Alice Donut (of course) and many others that would take too long to list.

            "Ace! We got the tickets!" Celes grasped them firmly in her hand. Her hair was down today, as was her friend's.

            "Ooh, tomorrow's gonna rock!" Fujitsubo jumped up, her long black hair falling in front of her face before she brushed it away from her almond-shaped eyes. "Let's go to the nearest arcade! Betcha can't beat me in Street Fighter III.... loser buys dinner!"

            Celes's eyes narrowed and she grinned. "You're on! I'll whip your sorry ass!"

            As the two trounced off to the nearest arcade, a solitary figure stood unnoticed on top of a lamppost in the bright afternoon sun. He was wearing a shiny gold bodysuit and a red cloak, and carried two "air hammers" in his hand (secret weapons he uses in the movie!). Passersby who happened to look up there waved him off as an illusion; after all, who the hell would believe that they saw a gold-suited, red-cloaked old Chinese martial arts master on top of a lamppost in some random town in the west-coast United States?

            Old Gold waved his hand, and, as if from nowhere, about ten black-clothed ninja appeared on the ground below him (passersby also dismissed this as an illusion).

            "Go, and thwart their progress while staying hidden so that they won't realize what is happening until tomorrow night while they are on their way to the concert and are powerless to stop your sheer power and numbers including me!" Old Gold commanded this in a strong, powerful dubbed voice.

            "But sir!" whispered one of the ninja in a menacing dubbed voice. "Ninja never attack during the daylight!" The other ninja nodded in confirmation of this statement.

            Old Gold, the Grand Master, folded his arms in front of him. "I know, fool! That is why I said 'thwart their progress while staying hidden' so that no one will know that ninja are attacking during the daytime!"

            The menacing-dubbed-voiced ninja nodded and bowed his head. "We will do so, my lord. Ninja vanish!" And with that, the group of black-clad ninja disappeared in clouds of thick smoke. Passersby that noticed this slapped themselves on the head and told themselves to check what was in their coffee before they drank it.

#

            On the way to the arcade, Celes and Fujitsubo were talking nonstop, clearly excited since tomorrow they were going to skip school, have fun by running around the town for a while, and go to see the Alice Donut concert at night. They did not notice the invisible human shapes milling about them, carrying on their plans of sabotage.

             "You can't win! You know I'll kick your ass with Makoto!" Celes boasted, referring to her favorite character in Street Fighter III: Third Strike.

            "No way! Ryu's unstoppable!" Fujitsubo referred to her favorite character.

            ***insert "Everything You Know is Wrong" by Weird Al here!***

            Celes chuckled. "Yeah, but you know how many times I've won--" She was cut short by the act of tripping on something and falling flat on the asphalt.

            "You okay, girl?" Fujitsubo bent down and offered a helping hand to Celes, who was still wondering how she fell.

            "Yeah, I guess.... what the hell?!"" she exclaimed, seeing the reason for her fall. "There's a fuckin' tripwire here!"

            Fujitsubo looked down and noticed a thin metal wire stretched across the road, floating a few centimeters above the ground (How it floats there is an eternal mystery).

            "Weird... ah, damnit!" Fujitsubo cursed, noticing that now there was a glob of chewed up, freshly semi-hardened-yet-still-soft chewing gum on the bottom of her shoe.

            Celes patted her friend on the back. "Ah, don't worry, we can get it off at my house. In fact, we can--ow!" Her sentence was cut short by her shin bumping into the base of a lamppost.

            Fujitsubo's eyes narrowed. "It's almost as if someone's putting these things here... I never noticed a lamppost being here before."

            Celes rubbed her leg. "Yeah, it seems like... let's get going. Oh, here's your ticket." she said, handing Fujitsubo one of the concert tickets, who slipped it into her brassiere, probably the securest area to put those tickets, anyway. Following this, the two of them silently walked toward the arcade, each pondering why these strange events occurred.

            Behind a series of identical bushes on the side of the road, the group of ninja snickered uncontrollably.

#

            Though the battles were long, tough, and costly, Fujitsubo ended up winning the Street Fighter III: Third Strike mini-tournament that she and Celes had planned. Celes, disappointed, ended up buying dinner: sushi and gyouza, light yet filling. And also pretty expensive. Following a series of more mishaps, such as slipping in a steaming pile of cow shit that appeared out of nowhere, the two decided to stay together for the night at Fujitsubo's house again.

            Later that night, Old Gold materialized in front of Fujitsubo's house in an exploding cloud of red dust. The ten black-clad ninja appeared as well.

            ***insert "Ninja Death Theme" by who the hell knows?! here!***

            "Well," the Grand Master demanded, "how did it turn out?"

            The menacingly-dubbed-voice ninja (known by his shorter name of lead ninja) spoke first.

            "We have made them trip over wire, step in gum, run into lampposts, slip into animal manure, scratch themselves uncontrollably due to itching powder, walk into sprinkler streams, and fall asleep earlier than they were supposed to."

            "We did great!" another ninja exclaimed in a high-pitched dubbed voice.

            Old Gold clenched his fists. "You fools! You were supposed to use more violent measures! I said 'attack,' not 'pranks'! Why did you do this?!"

            The lead ninja lowered his head. "Well, my lord, like I said before, ninja never attack during daylight. So, we did the best we could do otherwise. I think we did a good job, too!"

            "We did great!" the other ninja exclaimed in his high-pitched voice.

            Old Gold sighed angrily, shaking his head. "Idiots. Well, concentrate your efforts of the attack on the two tomorrow night before the concert! Then," he paused for dramatic effect, "we shall defeat the two and conquer the world!"

            "B-but sire, didn't you say our objective was to make it back to our land?" the lead ninja inquired.

            "Yes, but that is now our secondary maneuver! After we conquer the world and get lots of money, we will bring it back to our land and become more powerful than ever!" The Grand Master uttered his signature, badly dubbed laugh, and the other ninja followed suit.

            "Sire, you are so smart!" the lead ninja said between fits of dubbed laughter.

            "We did great!" the high-pitched voiced ninja exclaimed.

#

            More hours--more than several--later...

            "Celes, I had a dream." Fujitsubo stated as she and her friend sat outside on the curb of the main road in front of a fast food restaurant, drinking their soft drinks.

            "Mmpgh," Celes answered, busily sipping away at her drink.

            Fujitsubo continued. "In it, I dreamt that we were being followed by a bunch've ninja from the movie Ninja Death 1, and that the Grand Master Old Gold was trying to thwart our plans and ultimately defeat us during a battle before the Alice Donut concert tonight."

            "Mmpgh," came the reply.

#

            About two hours later...

            ***insert "Halloween" by the Dead Kennedys here!***

            Old Gold and his ninja squadron sat in a circle, eating take-out Chinese food.

            "Sire, isn't it true that ninja are innately Japanese, and that our land is in China?" the lead ninja inquired as he ate a bowl of fried rice with chopsticks.

            Old Gold was silent, eating away at his greasy-yet-delicious lo mein noodles. After a few minutes, he answered.

            "Idiot! If you've paid any attention to the history behind our clan, you will know that you are all in fact Japanese, and that I was your master in Japan, and that we relocated to China, where I became the Grand Master of kung-fu, and we were all looking for--"

            Here, Old Gold stopped. He was beginning to forget the plot of the movie that he and his ninja came from.

            "Anyway, you know what to do tonight. I will accompany you, of course. Let us toast to our victory!"

            "Yes!" the ninja all exclaimed in unison, toasting with their cups of cold oolong tea. Then, Old Gold burst out with his signature laugh, and the other ninja followed suit.

            Passersby who saw this scene of ten ninja and a gold-suited, red-cloaked martial arts master all eating, toasting, and laughing in dubbed voices on the lawn of a park dismissed it as a mirage created by the bright, pre-summer sunlight on the wet grass of the park.

#

            This time, it's night...

            "It's almost time!" said Fujitsubo excitedly. "We should get going!"

            Today, Fujitsubo was wearing a halter-top and her schoolgirl uniform skirt, along with knee-high boots. Her hair was down, and she wore spike bracelets and a studded choker around her neck. Celes, who preferred to be just a tad less arty and more grungy (if there is such a word), was wearing all black; a black Bad Brains T-shirt and baggy, black denim jeans. Her hair was down as well, and she wore those neat little gloves that have no fingers and include metal studs.

            "This concert's gonna rock! Finally, a GOOD band arrives in our town AT LAST! Let's get to the front of the stage, then later on watch shitty movies 'till 5:00 A.M.! Whoo hoo!" Celes exclaimed with joy.

            The two of them high-fived, walking faster and faster toward the theatre where Alice Donut was staging their gig in two hours. Unknown to them, a cadre of ten ninja and one gold-suited, red-cloaked Grand Master were standing several yards in front of the two, hidden from sight by the darkness of the night and the shadows away from the lamppost light.

            Old Gold grinned, clutching his air hammers. The ten ninja all had their hands on the hilts of their katana, awaiting the order to charge (or rather, sneak up and attack unseen, slowly bringing themselves into plain sight, ninja style).

            "Steady, men." he whispered, waiting until the two had walked closer to where they awaited to ambush them. "Steady, steady... now!"

            ***insert "Under the Gun" by the Circle Jerks here!***

            Fujitsubo tensed up and stopped. She sniffed the air, and frowned.

            "Fuji? What is it?" Celes asked uneasily. Her friend held a hand up for silence, and Celes waited for her friend to speak.

            "We're surrounded..." Fujitsubo said, peering into the dark with her almond-shaped eyes. "I don't like the feeling of this... way to cliché..." The road was deathly silent, save for the distant sound of cars and the sound of an owl. 

            "Duck!" Fujitsubo yelled suddenly, grabbing her friend and dropping them both to the ground. A swiftly moving, black-clad figure swooshed above them, and Fujitsubo could see the glint of a steel sword.

            Celes saw it too. "What the fuck?!" she exclaimed.

            Fujitsubo cried out as another black-clad figure swooshed past her, slicing her arm with the tip of its blade. Blood trickled down her arm, and the wound stung. Celes rushed to her side, only to have her arm nicked as well. She hissed in pain, grabbing her friend and dragging her to somewhere--anywhere--where it would be safe.

            This time, both of them cried out as two swift black shapes rushed past them, leaving deeper gashes in their arms and legs from the blades they used. Blood was flowing out of them faster than a trickle, staining the ground. However, Fujitsubo was getting a better look at the attackers, who seemed to materialize out of the shadows they were hiding in. Definitely human, but clothed in black and carrying long katana swords...

            "Ninja!" Celes blurted out, the first thought that came to her mind.

            At that word, their attackers came into clear focus. Ten black-clothed ninja, all wielding eastern blades, four of the swords stained with blood. And right in front of them, appearing in an exploding cloud of red dust, was none other than--

            "Old Gold!" Fujitsubo screamed in denial. "It's not possible! You're not real!"

            The Grand Master uttered his signature laugh. "Old Gold? What kind of a name is that? I'll have you know, my name is Lao Tsing Yii. It'll be the last thing running through your mind before you die..." Quicker than their eyes could follow, Old Gold grabbed one of his air hammers from an unseen orifice somewhere on his body and launched it straight for Fujitsubo. It connected with her chest with a loud smack, and the girl was thrown several feet until crashing against a lamppost, clutching her chest and whimpering, blood pooling on the ground before her.

            "Fuji!!!!" The scream came from Celes as she saw her best friend get smashed. Tears in her eyes, it no longer mattered that the man attacking them was from one of their favorite movies of all time. What mattered was that this asshole had beat up Fuji, her best friend, and she wasn't gonna let him get away with that. No fuckin' way.

            Her foot connected with Old Gold's midsection, and he was knocked onto the ground. "Motherfucker!" Celes hissed, diving in to inflict more damage. But Before she could even reach the Grand Master, four of the ninja closed in on her with amazing speed, and pierced her body with four swords.

            Celes stopped, coughing out dark blood that stained her lips. The ninja withdrew, and she fell on the ground, staring with almost sightless eyes as her life flowed out of her steadily.

            "Fuji..." she said weakly, and the last thing she saw before she passed out was her friend's cat, Tsuki-chan, running toward her and her friend.

# 

            "Wake up." The voice was soft, comforting, and definitely male. Celes opened her eyes. Everything was blurry, and all that she could make out was a swirling vortex of colors, and her friend Fujitsubo lying beside her.

            "Fuji!" she cried, shaking her friend. "Don't fucking die on me..."

            With a groan, Fujitsubo slowly opened her eyes and sat up with the help of Celes. However, her gaze and her voice were directed to another person.

            "Tsuki-chan?" she said in an out-of-it kind of voice. "What're you doing here...?"

            "I can't explain that now. Right now, you have to listen. I have important information for you," the cat said.

            Celes screamed, Fujitsubo made a confused sound. "What?! You can fucking TALK?!" Celes queried rather harshly. The gray cat nodded, a really weird thing to see (Seriously, have you ever seen a cat actually nod?).

            "I'm sorry to have to shock you like this, but I have no other choice." The cat sat/lay down before them in a sphinx-like manner. "Fuji, when you and Celes were, um, killed," the latter word provoking a gasp from both of the girls, "I finally regained consciousness of who I was, and more importantly, who you two were destined to be. You see, I am a guardian cat, and my job is to look over the potential soldiers," Tsuki-chan said the word with a manner of respect, "the female warriors that rise up to fight against the invaders of the otherworlds."

            The cat was assaulted by a barrage of questions from the girls: "Soldiers? Invaders? Otherworlds? Guardian fucking cat?"

            Fujitsubo willed herself to calm down for at least a few minutes. "What do you mean, soldiers? What are you talking about?"

            Tsuki-chan sighed, another weird thing to hear a cat do. He then began on the long story...

# 

            ***Insert "Rashiku Ikimashou" by some random Japanese pop singer here!***

            "Ya kids ever heard of the show Bishoujo Senshi Sailormoon?" After receiving two nods from the girls, the cat continued. "Well, guess what? It's REAL. Yes, it's a show, but that's only in this world."

            "This world? Do you mean to say that there are others?" Celes asked. Tsuki-chan, however, continued as if the interruption had never taken place.

            "In another reality, in the same type of earth you two live in, the Sailor Senshi, the female warriors of the planets, really do exist. I assume you two are familiar enough with them, at least through the animated show, to know who they are and what they stand for. Like you two, they have a guardian cat; two, in fact. Like you two, they were shocked and confused to learn that they had a guardian cat that could talk, and that they were legendary warriors from a forgotten era in the past. But events had been set in motion, and the time for them to awaken had come. So, one by one, the seven Japanese schoolgirls awakened to realize their destiny, and stood up to accept it."

            "I exist to guide you on your way to becoming the legendary Sailor Senshi, or Soldiers. You'll need a mentor to lead you to realize your potentials, and ultimately your destinies. The time has come, when the ones from The Film have escaped the boundaries of their previous world, that the events of this world are set into motion. Thus, the two alternate worlds link, and Soldiers of this world are sought. You two are, in fact, the first to have been summoned."

            Fujitsubo blinked twice. "The Film?"

            "I think he means Ninja Death 1," Celes whispered.

            Tsuki-chan the guardian cat stood up on his four paws and stretched out, retracting his claws. "Now, I must give you two the means for becoming the Soldiers." And with that, the cat jumped in the air and flipped, landing on his feet. In the air before the two girls, there was a flash, and then two different fountain pens appeared, floating in the air before them. On them were written the girls' names.

            "Now, take those pens into your hands," the cat said strongly. The girls, plagued by a steady sense of confusion and deja vu that thankfully was beginning to deteriorate, grasped their respective fountain pens. The pens felt cool and comforting in their grasp.

            "Now, repeat EXACTLY as I say. Fujitsubo, you say this: Revolution Rebirth Fuchsia Power, Make Up!"

            "WHAT?!" Fujitsubo spat. "What the hell kind of phrase is that?! I didn't think that the actual Sailor Senshi had to say stuff THAT stupid to transform!"

            "Just say it, damnit!" the cat said in an aggravated voice, baring his sharp teeth.

            "Okay, okay..." Fujitsubo paused for the intended dramatic effect, then spoke the magical phrase.

            "Revolution Rebirth Fuchsia Power, Make Up!"

            Fujitsubo was suspended in the air, her world becoming tinted with the color of fuchsia. She was naked, and the color seemed to suffuse her every orifice and pore. She closed her eyes, feeling power sweep over her whole body. When she opened them, she was wearing the uniform of the Sailor Soldier; a variation of the Japanese schoolgirl uniform, with a more tight, form-fitting design, shorter skirt, large fuchsia bows on the front and back of the uniform, knee-high fuchsia boots and elbow-length white gloves, fuchsia sailor collar, and a golden tiara.

            Tsuki-chan seemed very pleased (for a cat), and Celes simply gawked in amazement.

            "Your power is wind, the cold, biting, powerful winds from the slopes of Fuji-san, the mountain you were named after. Fujitsubo, accept this power and your destiny: fight evil as Sailor Rebirth!" the cat said in a strong voice. He then turned toward Celes.

            "Celes, repeat EXACTLY as I say, with no variations or messups: Revolution Rebirth Sepia Power, Make Up!"

            Celes, already having witnessed her friend's transformation, agreed without hesitation, though she winced at the really lame sounding phrase.

            "Revolution Rebirth Sepia Power, Make Up!"

            Her world suddenly consisted of her and only her, floating in a sepia colored void, naked, feeling the power surge into her. She watched as the suit began to meld onto her like a second skin, and emerged in the same type of outfit as Fujitsubo, except with sepia, not fuchsia, highlights.

            Tsuki-chan was satisfied, and Fujitsubo watched with admiration her friend's new look.

            "Your power is fire, the burning, consuming, vengeful flames from the now-dormant volcanoes of your birthplace. Celes, accept this power and your destiny: fight evil as Sailor Revolution!" the cat said. He was about to say more, but was interrupted by two raised hands.

            He sighed. "All right, what is it?"

            "Just one question, it's related to the both of us," Fujitsubo said. "Why the fuck am I fuchsia?"

            "Ditto, and why am I sepia? Is that even a fucking color?!" Celes whined.

            Tsuki-chan raised a paw to his head and cursed rather foully. "Fuck, if I knew this, I'd be running the damn business!" the cat said angrily. "Don't ask me about the Sailor fuku (suit) thing, either. I never understood it anyway."

            "Now, I will send you two back to where you fell. Only two minutes will have passed since you two were killed. The power invested in me by Them will allow me to resurrect your bodies."

            "Them?" Celes inquired. The cat waved his paw, baring his sharp teeth.

            "No time! You two must go, now!" and with that, Tsuki-chan tensed his tiny body, and a glowing light enveloped him and the two girls. The world of swirling colors vanished, replaced by the myriad colors and shaped of reality.

#

            Old Gold furrowed his brow in confusion as he and his ninja walked away from the scene where the two girls were dispatched.

            "What is it, sire?" the lead ninja inquired.

            "I feel... as if our work is undone. I feel as if we are entering a different phase, and that an actual battle will ensue..."

            Back many yards, the slumped, bleeding bodies of Celes and Fujitsubo came back to life, wounds closing, blood pumping back through their systems. But the pain of the damage was not eliminated, and both of them stood up and walked toward each other, limping, hissing at the pain of the now-healed mortal wounds.

            "Do you remember what Tsuki-chan said? Of what he told us to do?" Celes asked. Fujitsubo nodded.

            "I sure hope so," came an adult male voice from the ground. Looking down, Fujitsubo saw her cat, Tsuki-chan, now their guardian cat.

            "Now, use the talismans I gave you! Repeat the phrases I told you! And remember your true mission!"

            "You mean these fountain pens?" inquired Celes, pulling out hers. Fujitsubo did the same.

            The cat's eyes narrowed menacingly. "No, I mean the fucking gloves you're wearing. Of course I mean the pens! Transform!"

            Fujitsubo made an annoyed sound. "Okay, ease the hell up!" She tensed herself, held aloft her pen, and said the phrase:

            "Revolution Rebirth Fuchsia Power, Make Up!"

            The suspension, the nakedness, the power all came back to her as she relived the transformation experience. In less than a few seconds, she was decked out in her white-and-white Sailor fuku.

            Celes, before Tsuki-chan the cat could chastise her, followed:

            "Revolution Rebirth Sepia Power, Make Up!"

            The process repeated itself. Once again, Celes experienced the transformation sequence, and a few seconds later was decked out in her sepia-and-white Sailor fuku.

            Tsuki-chan spoke, being less harsh and more supportive this time. "Now, you must stop the invaders from fulfilling their plans, and send them back to where they came from! I will stay on the sidelines of any battle you two should find yourselves in, and will try to help you in any way I can. Now, go!"

            Fujitsubo nodded, then turned to Celes. "Still got your ticket?"

            Celes grinned, pulling it out of her long glove. "Got yours?"

            Fujitsubo nodded, pulling it out from her cleavage. "We got another two hours. Let's kick some ass until then!"

            Celes cracked her knuckles, Fujitsubo clenched her fists. The two of them then ran down the street, followed by Tsuki-chan.

            The guardian cat spoke in gasps as he ran beside the two girls. "Are you sure you two can handle a battle? Will you be needing my help?"

            Celes smiled slightly, Fujitsubo grinned. In a non-angry, humorous manner, she replied to her mentor:

            "Fuck with us and find out."

            ***insert "Fuck With Me and Find Out" by Wesley Willis here!***

#

            Old Gold held up a hand, literally. He retrieved a disembodied hand from his cloak and held it up in the air. This was a signal to his troops to stay silent. His ninja stopped their chatter, and all looked toward him.

            "We are being watched," he said softly. "No, scratch that. We are being followed! Be on alert!"

            The ten ninja all hid in the dark shadows of the night, at home in their nocturnal environment. Old Gold stood there, brandishing his air hammers. He narrowed his eyes.

            Two girls, the very ones he had killed earlier, were rushing toward him, this time decked out in rather tight, almost flamboyant clothing that he could not identify. In several seconds, they were standing in front of him. Their speed seemed to be enhanced somehow...

            "We are here to send you back to where you belong!" yelled Fujitsubo, folding her slender arms in front of her chest.

            "You aren't gonna fuckin' get away with this! NO one kills us and gets away with it! Prepare to be [figuratively] fucked!" Celes cried out, pointing a hand toward Old Gold. Flame began to course up her arm.

            Old Gold's brow furrowed in annoyance. "I've killed you two... and now you somehow make it back. Who are you?"

            ***insert "Revenge" by Black Flag here!***

            Fujitsubo, trained in the process of introducing yourself as a superhero after watching countless series of Japanese anime, began in the lengthy, slightly badass yet lameass introductory sequence:

            "Messing with the lives of two innocent teenage girls on their way to a concert is unthinkable! And if it's us you're fucking with, you're lucky to be alive!" She struck a pose that involved rapid hand motions and seemed very improvised.

            "Soldier of Wind, I am Sailor Rebirth! Prepare to get your ass kicked!"

            Celes followed with her own concoction of a superhero introduction:

            "If we miss this concert because of your guys, don't even bother to track us down; you'll be dead before the night's over!" She struck her own improvised pose.

            "Soldier of Fire, I am Sailor Revolution! Wanna test our strength? Fuck with me and find out!"

            The two now talked in unison, somehow.

            "And now, prepare to get smashed with the gnarled, spiked cudgel of justice! We're here to stop your evil agendas for good! In the name of the independent music scene, we'll chastise you! For we are--"

            Here, the two girls stopped. Unfortunately, they haven't yet come up with a name for their two-person team.

            "Hurry! Think of something good!" Tsuki-chan yelled at the girls from the sidewalk. "And I do mean good, 'cuz this is the one chance ya get!"

            "Very well," the two continued. "Prepare to get ass-whipped, for we are... Sophistifuck and the Revlon Spam Queens of Justice!"

            Tsuki-chan fell over in frustration, shaking his head, wondering how anyone could come up with a shitty name like that in only a few seconds.

            "By the way," Celes queried, "I think we should make this whole experience into a story! Do you think we're following the correct story format right now, cuz I think we need to in order to--"

            "FUCK THE STORY FORMAT!!!" Fujitsubo and Tsuki-chan yelled.

            "Rules exist to be broken," Tsuki-chan offered.

            Celes sighed and shook her head. "You're right. A story's a story. Who needs fucking formats?!" 

            Old Gold was silent for a few seconds after listening to the two girls' speech. Then he snapped his fingers, and from out of the darkness his ten ninja appeared, ready to attack.

            "You know you can't win," Old Gold hissed menacingly. "We will destroy you two again, once and for all!"

            Wind began to swirl about Fujitsubo, fluttering her skirt up and exposing her white cotton undies (of course). She channeled the wind into her fists, waiting. Celes's arms were now enveloped in fire that swirled about them, ready to be unleashed.

            "We'll see..." Celes whispered.

            "...who will be victorious this time!" Fujitsubo finished.

            With that last sentence, she cast her arm toward five of the ten ninja. Wind blew fiercely from her open palm, sending the ninja flying into the night sky, where they vanished.

            Old Gold raised an eyebrow. "All right," he said to the remaining five ninja, "attack!"

            Before they could do so, however, Celes crossed her arms in an x-form, outstretched her index fingers, and sent a wave of fire toward the ninja. They caught on fire like a ball of lint from the dryer, and were vaporized.

            "Got no one left, do ya old fart?" Celes said.

            "Now either you can surrender, or we'll kick your ass harder than a steel-toed boot!" Fujitsubo said emphatically.

            Tsuki-chan covered his head in his paws. "Man, your one-liners suck ass!"

            Luckily, Old Gold had stopped by a local one of many chain of convenience stores by the name of Blank Mart. Along with the Violent Urine Explosion Pet, Blank Mart also managed to sell packs of Instant Ninja (trademark). With a drop of water, you could have a whole army of these black-clad warrior-spies of the night. The downside was that they weren't exactly top-notch quality ninja, which was why they came in packs.

            Revealing a pitcher of water from the recesses of his cloak, Old Gold threw down the whole packet of Instant Ninja (TM) and doused it in water. In less than a few seconds, there were twenty identical ninja at his command.

            "Attack!" cried Old Gold.

            The ninja all began to rush toward Fujitsubo and Celes, but stopped. 

            "What's wrong, you fools?! Attack!"

            The ninja all sheathed their katana and stood there, looking around themselves, listening to something.

            "Nice music," one ninja said in a well-dubbed voice.

            "Music?" Fujitsubo said.

            Celes furrowed her brow. "The gig is nearby, so that means..."

            "...the concert's already started! AAAUUGH!!!!" the two exclaimed in unison.

            "Way to go, morons..." Tsuki-chan muttered, licking his paws.

            "SHIT!" Celes and Fujitsubo screamed, and ran as fast as they could in the direction of the concert.

            The twenty ninja watched them run away, and then all in unison silently ran after them.

            "Wait!" Old Gold yelled after his Instant Ninja (TM) warriors. When he saw that they were getting farther and farther away from him, he stopped, and stood there staring blankly for a few minutes.

            "Ah, fuck it," he hissed, and vanished in an exploding cloud of red smoke.

# 

            Celes and Fujitsubo were sitting on top of one of the huge lights that shined down on the stadium-like area where Alice Donut was playing. They didn't even need to use their tickets, since they somehow managed to, in their desperation, run up the walls of the area and find a seat on one of the lights. Tsuki-chan, their new cat-mentor, was sitting with them. Floating in the air beside the three were the twenty Instant Ninja (TM), all silently listening to the concert.

            With a blast of red smoke, Old Gold appeared in front of the two girls.

            "Don't even think about starting now," Fujitsubo hissed. "Not while we're here."

            "Ah, forget it. I'm just letting you know that I'm going to go back to my home." Old Gold said wearily.

            "Giving up that fast? Without a decent fight?" Celes asked.

            Old Gold nodded his head. "I'm tired. I need to get back to my underground lair and the musically activated devil-masked beast I keep in a cage (movie reference!)."

            With that said, Old Gold snapped his fingers and vanished in his signature exploding red cloud. However, there was a feeling that he would not reappear anywhere nearby (how he managed to warp back to his film-world is unknown to us).

            Celes and Fujitsubo were silent for a long time, watching their favorite band play through their old and new songs. After the long silence, Celes began to speak.

            "Hey Fuji."

            "What?"

            "Do you think this will count as a good story? I mean, this 'ending' kinda blows. Seriously, Old Gold just ditched on us and went back to his movie or whatever. And now we're supposed to be some kinda kinky-clad superheroes, plus we have twenty ninja following us along with your now-intelligent cat! How can this be a proper story?"

            Fujitsubo made an aggravated noise. "Just make it one. Who gives a shit about format or content? People read stories for entertainment, not for format. Fucking rules..."

            Celes sighed. "Well... I guess you're right, again." she stretched her gloved arms.

            "Hey, by the way, what ARE we gonna do with all these ninja?"

            Fujitsubo shrugged. "Dunno. Ask Tsuki-chan."

            "Mmeplegph," the cat responded, caught in between sleeping and staying awake. He climbed up Fujitsubo's back and curled into a ball on her shoulder, where he promptly fell asleep. The ninja were silent, as usual; ready to follow their new masters when needed.

            The concert was great.

            ***insert "They Threw Me Out of Church" by Wesley Willis here!*               **

**_Fin _**


End file.
